Did I tell you I was scared?? Of myself What I'd find When challenged When told to take Care of myself?
I sit here with a smile on my face, my skirt around my waist and the wind on my hairy legs. No one in the world knows what I'm doing right now; no one, but me and the ants, goats and cows know I'm showing my knees to the world!!!
I woke up sad this morning, like being here hasn't quite been what I expected it to be. Heather announced yesterday that she thinks she is going to be completely ineffective and have NO impact here. Then she clarified that to include me and Kerry, too. I was pissed, but more shocked that she really did believe that we weren't going to do anything. Granted its not what I thought it was going to be…
Be patient. Flexibility is not so much apathy or easygoingness. It's the combination of motivation, determination, openmindedness and optimism that can make a volunteer effective in situations that at first glance seem the opposite of what we "trained" for.
Back in the village again. This time with an attitude change…its always easier to make a change when I know in two weeks I'll be back in PC rides in NKTT: people, CASA, dancing, drinks, beach.
I need an attitude change — I have these seeds I need to sell and knowledge to disseminate, but I can't be bothered. I don't want to deal with the annoying people and don't want to do half-assed job of teaching what I can. I don't really see the point anymore — okay, that's not true. I see a huge need, but from someone more motivated than me and someone they'll listen to. I'll be really sad if I don't find even one RIMer who has that potential.
One year done! Toothpaste has a smell here. The quiet is tangible and I love my host brother more than ever: he can whistle now after months of trying. The baby's beautiful. The kids like me; I can see how the culture, traditions, attitudes and quirks are passed down …I feel truly like I'm giving up here by doing Stage. This is the hardest part, and I'm leaving 7 months early to train others to do what I haven't been able to do. How can I justify that?
It's a warm night, after a cold day. The world is awake again — talking, making tea, visiting. Sidi and Baba found the cows today. So they're leaving tomorrow, and came just now to say goodbye and I was tongue tied with the concentration of one trying not to forget what the words-are-to-say-what-I-wanted-to-remember-to-talk-to-Sidi about. Tongue tied enough to let the conversation drop and he left with me saying: "Thank you, thank you, Sidi!" and feeling the "oh no, I'm all alone again" feeling. I want to scream in English who I am! What I want! Why I'm here! No one knows me. I hate it, but if I don't know myself well enough to predict my own behavior, my own reactions and my own decisions, how can I expect someone else to?
Heather just left in the taxi with Kareem and Sidi. It was sad for a second, but it's so right. It's the end, and we're fine with it. It'll be sad to say "the big goodbye" as Heather said, but we've let it go — the guilt and the "I should be doings" so that there's no angst. It's all okay now- in the moment at least. There will always be the uncomfortable looking back and "If I'd…" or "I wish I'd…" but for the moment its okay. I'm ready to leave Vounthilly. There was a full moon, a Truman Show moon, last night and we thought of doing a skit of Sidna and the trainers controlling Stage from behind the scenes. We slept well, and it seemed long to me. I dreamt about a party, boys and big houses, then woke up lonely.
Last goodbye's: Julie's sobbing and I can't feel my heart even beating a little faster…
Emails from stateside friends: going home to see people I haven't thought about who still put me in a box I can't remember. The anxiety is finally there, and I'm so fucking excited.
I am glowing to be back here — my senses are alive, but emotions slow to take over as if I'm still afraid of the initial frustration + elation cycles that crushed me in the beginning.
I'm stressed and I need to chill — haven't really got this NKTT life anywhere near down pat. Things that should be stress relievers aren't: email should make me feel better. It doesn't. Movie nights — nope. Reading a good book? Nope. This is going to be more of a learning process than I figured on…Caroline said: Altruism is really not something good, but something selfish people act out to seem non-selfish. ???
Not much to say. Confusion and clairity about the end. Confused direction daily: what's most important right now? Responsibilities? Time with friends? Time with RIMers? Nothing time? Down time? I don't know and so am drifting moment to moment. Clarity: it's time to move on. I need out of this circle, no matter how much it's impacted me.
The emptiness is starting, the hole right under my rib cage where all the memories are. I feel it widening like a lung letting more people's presence slip out…I'm not doing so well. I don't think I ever realized how really happy I was. Questions about my "plans" intimidating, but good: I do need to make some $$. I shouldn't romanticize this experience, but I feel sick to my stomach at the finality of it. Or maybe its fear — fear that it never gets this amazing again. Fear that I'll never be me again. Someday I'll read this and not feel the same, and that scares me. What are true sentiments if you know they'll change?
(Church service) I found it bizarre that everything went perfectly — I understood everything — everyone stood at the right time and knew where the songs were in the books because the preacher told them the page #. So simple.
I'm feeling sad at the distance growing (healthily) between me and RIM. The emotional connection was still there, but its breaking now, and I'm definitely moving on. It's depressing.
Great laughing conversation with Sherif today. He pushes me in a good direction…remember that I need to think through my actions. Take the time to step back, make small goals, little plans that help me move forward emotionally, not just functionally.